Kink list: common kinks explained, plus a yes, no, maybe list

If you’ve ever typed “is it weird that I’m into…” into a search bar, here’s the good news. It’s probably not weird, and you’re definitely not the only one.

How common are kinks?

More common than most guys think. A 2017 study by Christian Joyal and Julie Carpentier surveyed 1,040 adults in Quebec about behaviors that psychiatry once lumped together as “paraphilic”. Nearly half wanted to try at least one of them, and about a third had already done at least one.

Fantasy is everywhere. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, surveyed more than 4,000 Americans for his book Tell Me What You Want, and most men had fantasized about being dominated, dominating someone or bondage.

Being kinky isn’t a diagnosis either. The DSM-5, the manual psychiatrists use, says an unusual sexual interest on its own isn’t a disorder. It only becomes one when it causes real distress or harm, or involves someone who can’t consent, as Michael First explains in the Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law.

A list of common kinks

This isn’t every kink, just the ones guys ask about most, in plain words. Plenty overlap.

Power and control

• Dom/sub (D/s): one partner takes charge and the other hands it over. Can be one scene or a full-time dynamic.
• Praise kink: getting turned on by being told you’re good, hot or doing well. Gentler than people expect, and very common.
• Degradation: the flip side, getting off on being called names or put in your place, by agreement.
• Daddy/boy: a dynamic built around an older or more dominant “daddy” and a younger or more submissive “boy”. It’s about roles, not actual age, and both guys are adults.
• Service: a sub gets off on serving, from foot rubs to housework.

Restraint and sensation

• Bondage: being tied up or tying someone up, with rope, cuffs or straps.
• Impact play: spanking, paddles, floggers and the rest.
• Edging: getting close to cumming, then stopping, again and again.
• Sensory play: blindfolds, ice, wax, feathers, anything that sharpens or takes away a sense.
• Nipple play: pinching, clamps, sucking.

Gear and fetishes

• Leather: the gear, the look, the community. Leather bars and clubs are where the hanky code lived.
• Rubber and latex: the smell, the shine, the tight fit.
• Sportswear and jocks: jockstraps, sneakers, socks, singlets.
• Feet: toes, soles, socks, worship.
• Uniforms: cops, military, construction, mechanics.
• Pup play: taking on the role of a pup, often with a hood and a handler. Usually more playful than sexual, but it can be both.

Bodies and fluids

• Fisting: a whole hand inside, slowly, with plenty of lube.
• Watersports: piss play.
• Cum play: loads as the main event, from facials to feeding.
• Rimming: eating ass. Some guys would call it vanilla, others a kink.

Audience and situation

• Exhibitionism: being watched, or the thrill of maybe being seen.
• Voyeurism: watching. It was one of the most common interests in Joyal and Carpentier’s study.
• Group play: threesomes, orgies, gangbangs.
• Cruising and public sex: saunas, parks, bathrooms. Check local laws before trying it in public.
• Role play: strangers, teacher and student, interrogation, anything with a script.

A yes, no, maybe list to use with a partner

A yes, no, maybe list is a simple way to swap interests without anyone having to go first out loud. It’s a habit from kink communities, not from a study, and it works.

1. Each of you goes through the kinks above, or any longer list you like, on your own.
2. Mark each one yes (into it), no (hard limit) or maybe (curious, with the right person or with a talk first).
3. Swap lists and look for overlap. Matching yeses are your easy start. A yes and a maybe is a conversation.
4. Never push on a no. A no on the list is a no in bed.

Redo it every few months. Maybes turn into yeses, and sometimes the other way round.

How kinky guys keep it hot and safe

The kink community has worked out a lot of this already, and much of it came from gay men.

• Consent frameworks: “safe, sane, consensual” (SSC) is credited to David Stein and Gay Male S/M Activists in New York in the early 1980s. “Risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK), proposed by Gary Switch in 1999, says some play carries risk and the point is that everyone understands and agrees to it.
• Safe words: pick one before you start. A common setup is “red” for stop and “yellow” for slow down. If a gag is involved, agree on a hand signal, like dropping something you’re holding.
• Negotiate first, not mid-scene: talk about what’s on and off the table, any health stuff, and what aftercare you want, before anyone’s tied up.
• Aftercare: water, a blanket, a cuddle, a debrief. Intense scenes can leave you buzzing or flat for a day or two, and that’s normal.

A few kinks change your STI picture, so it helps to know how:

• Fisting and toys: use lots of lube, short nails, and gloves if you like. Put a new condom on a shared toy, or clean it between partners.
• Cum play and rimming: chlamydia and gonorrhea can live in your throat and rectum without symptoms. The CDC suggests gay and bi men get swabbed at every site they use for sex, not just a pee test.

Frequently asked questions

What is a kink?
Any sexual interest outside “vanilla” sex. It can be a role, an object, a sensation or a situation.

What’s the difference between a kink and a fetish?
People use the words loosely. A kink is usually something you enjoy, and a fetish usually means an object or body part you find especially arousing, like feet or leather.

What is a praise kink?
Getting turned on by being praised, like being told you’re a good boy or that you’re doing well.

Is it normal to have a kink?
Yes. In Joyal and Carpentier’s study, nearly half of adults wanted to try at least one less common sexual behavior, and fantasies about dominance and bondage were the norm in Lehmiller’s survey.

How do I find out what I’m into?
Go through a list like the one above and mark yes, no or maybe. Porn, fantasies and a curious partner help too.

What’s a safe word?
A word that stops the scene, no questions asked. Pick one that would never come up by accident.

Sources: Joyal and Carpentier, “The prevalence of paraphilic interests and behaviors in the general population”, Journal of Sex Research, 2017, Justin Lehmiller, Sex and Psychology: survey of sexual fantasies, First, “DSM-5 and paraphilic disorders”, JAAPL, 2014, David Stein on the history of SSC, Risk-aware consensual kink (Wikipedia), CDC STI Treatment Guidelines: Men who have sex with men.