What is an ENM relationship? Open, poly and monogamish explained

Gay men have been quietly running open relationships for decades. The rest of the world just gave it an acronym. ENM (also called CNM, consensual non-monogamy) means the same thing either way: not cheating, because nobody’s being lied to.

The main types of ENM

The labels overlap, and plenty of couples mix and match. These are the ones you’ll see on profiles.

• Open relationship: a couple who are emotionally exclusive but can have sex with other people, under rules they agree on. The American Counseling Association describes it as partners who “retain exclusive emotional intimacy” while allowing outside sex.
• Monogamish: mostly monogamous, with a little room for other guys. Dan Savage coined the word, describing couples who are committed but allow “a little allowance” for wanting other people. Think the occasional threesome, or a pass when one of you travels.
• Polyamory: being open to more than one loving relationship at once, not just sex. The ACA defines it as being “open to or engag[ing] in more than one loving relationship”.
• Swinging: couples swapping or playing with others in social settings like parties and clubs.
• Relationship anarchy: no preset hierarchy or rules. Each relationship is shaped by the people in it.

A few more words you’ll run into:

• Polycule: Merriam-Webster defines it as “a group of three or more people engaged to varying degrees in consensual polyamory with one another”. Basically, the map of who’s dating who.
• Triad or throuple: three people all in a relationship with each other.
• Primary and secondary: some poly people have a main partner they live with and other partners with less shared life.
• Compersion: feeling happy that your partner is enjoying someone else. The opposite of jealousy, and a skill, not a personality trait.

How common is ENM among gay and bi men?

Common enough that you’re not breaking any new ground.

In a study of 566 gay male couples in the San Francisco Bay Area, led by Colleen Hoff at San Francisco State University, 45% were monogamous, 47% had agreed to an open relationship and 8% disagreed with each other about what they’d agreed. Research in New York by Jeffrey Parsons and Tyrel Starks found that about 58% of partnered gay and bi men were monogamous. Of the rest, about half were open and half monogamish.

It’s not only gay men. In two national samples of 8,718 single Americans, Mara Haupert and colleagues found 21.5% had been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point, and gay, lesbian and bi people were somewhat more likely to have tried it.

It also shifts over time. A 2017 study reported by therapist Joe Kort found that 86% of coupled gay men aged 18 to 39 were monogamous, so younger couples may be leaning more traditional. Monogamy and non-monogamy are both normal. Pick what fits you, not what fits the stereotype.

Are open relationships happier or less happy?

Neither, on average. In Hoff’s study, open and monogamous gay couples reported the same relationship satisfaction. A 2015 review by Alicia Rubel and Anthony Bogaert found no difference in well-being, jealousy or sexual satisfaction between people in consensually non-monogamous relationships and monogamous ones. A later meta-analysis of 35 studies and 24,489 people, reported by PsyPost, also found no significant difference in relationship satisfaction.

How to set up rules that actually work

Every open relationship has rules, even if one of them is “no rules”. The trick is making them explicit.

• What’s allowed: kissing, oral, anal, sleepovers, dates, feelings?
• Who: anyone, strangers only, no friends or exes, no one from work?
• When and where: only together, only when traveling, never in your bed?
• What you tell each other: everything, nothing, or “tell me if you’d tell me anyway”?
• Safer sex: condoms with others, PrEP for both, how often you test?
• The veto: can either of you say no to a specific guy?

Check in regularly, not just when something goes wrong. A rule that made sense in year 1 might not in year 4, and changing it isn’t a failure.

Sexual health in an open relationship

More partners in the network means testing becomes a team sport. The CDC suggests gay and bi men with new or several partners test for HIV, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea every 3 to 6 months, at every site they use for sex. Lots of open couples just book their tests together.

PrEP and doxyPEP are worth a conversation too. PrEP is highly effective at preventing HIV, and doxyPEP cuts the odds of syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea after sex. Both mean a slip on condoms doesn’t have to become a crisis. If someone in your network tests positive for something, the 60-day partner list is easier when you already know who’s been with who.

Frequently asked questions

What does ENM mean on dating apps?
Ethical non-monogamy. It means the person is in, or open to, a relationship where everyone knows and agrees to other partners.

What’s the difference between ENM and polyamory?
ENM is the umbrella. Polyamory is one type of ENM that involves more than one loving relationship, not just sex.

What does monogamish mean?
Mostly monogamous, with occasional exceptions both partners agree on, like a threesome. Dan Savage coined it.

Is an open relationship the same as cheating?
No. Cheating breaks an agreement. In an open relationship, the other partners are part of the agreement.

What is a polycule?
A group of three or more people linked by polyamorous relationships, not all of whom are necessarily dating each other.

Do open relationships last?
They can. Studies of gay couples find open and monogamous couples about equally satisfied.

Sources: American Counseling Association: Counseling individuals who practice consensual non-monogamy, SF State: Gay couples study (Hoff and colleagues), HuffPost: Parsons and Starks study of NYC gay and bi men, PsyPost: Haupert and colleagues on CNM among single Americans, Joe Kort: Younger gay men trending toward monogamy, The Advocate: Dan Savage on “monogamish”, Merriam-Webster: polycule, Justin Lehmiller on Rubel and Bogaert’s review, PsyPost: Meta-analysis challenges the monogamy superiority myth, CDC STI Treatment Guidelines: Men who have sex with men.