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How to tell a partner you have an STI (with text templates)

By Bud

Not medical advice. This guide is written from CDC and public health guidance and hasn’t been reviewed by a clinician yet. Sources checked . For advice about your own health, talk to a doctor or clinic. How we write guides · Health disclaimer

A man in a dark room lit only by his phone screen.
Photo by Eddy Billard on Unsplash.

The short answer: a short, calm text is fine. Say what you tested positive for, that they should get tested and treated, and that the clinic will know what to do. For chlamydia and gonorrhea, the CDC says to tell everyone you had sex with in the 60 days before your symptoms or diagnosis. If you’d rather not be named, a free anonymous service or your health department can send the message for you.

Most of us have been on one side of this text or the other. Chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis are common among guys who have sex with guys, they often cause no symptoms, and they’re cured with antibiotics. Telling a partner is the part that stops them going round in circles, including back to you.

What to put in the message

You don’t owe anyone a story. A good message has four things and nothing else:

  • What you tested positive for. “An STI” makes people guess. Naming it tells them which test to ask for.
  • That they should get tested, even without symptoms. Most throat and rectal infections never cause any.
  • That it’s treatable. It keeps the temperature down.
  • Where to go. A clinic, their doctor, or the link to find free testing at gettested.cdc.gov.

You don’t have to say who you think it came from, how many people you’ve been with, or when you found out. If they ask, you can answer, or not.

Text templates you can copy

Edit these so they sound like you. Swap in the infection you have.

For a hookup

Hey, it’s [name] from [where you met]. Not a fun text, sorry. I just tested positive for chlamydia, so you should get tested too, even if you feel fine. Ask for a throat and rectal swab as well as urine. It’s an easy fix with antibiotics.

For a hookup you haven't talked to in weeks

Hi, random message, we hooked up a few weeks back. I’ve just been told I have gonorrhea, and the clinic said to let anyone from the last couple of months know. Worth getting tested at all the spots you used. Free testing near you: gettested.cdc.gov

For a regular or a fuck buddy

Heads up before next time: my test came back positive for chlamydia. I’m getting treated this week. Can you get tested too? We should hold off for a week after we’ve both finished treatment so we don’t pass it back and forth.

For a boyfriend or partner

Can we talk tonight? My STI results came back and I have gonorrhea. It’s treatable and I’ve already started antibiotics, but you need to get tested and treated too. I’m not upset, I just want us both sorted.

For syphilis

Hey, I tested positive for syphilis. The clinic said anyone I’ve been with recently should get a blood test and probably treatment, even with no symptoms. It’s easy to treat early, so worth doing this week.

After a party or group play

Hey, letting everyone from [event] know: I tested positive for gonorrhea a few days later. Not saying where it came from, just that everyone should get tested, including throat and butt. Please pass this on to anyone I don’t have a number for.

When they might have given it to you

Hey, I just tested positive for chlamydia. Not blaming anyone, these things go round. You might want to get tested and treated so it doesn’t keep bouncing back.

If you’re telling someone about HIV, it’s worth doing it with help. Your clinic or health department’s partner services team can tell partners for you, without using your name, and get them tested quickly. See how to tell a partner anonymously.

How far back to tell partners

Go back further than feels natural. The CDC sets these windows for who should be told and tested.

Chlamydia and gonorrhea: anyone from the last 60 days
What you haveTell anyone fromThey should ask for
ChlamydiaThe 60 days before your symptoms or diagnosisUrine, throat and rectal tests, and treatment
GonorrheaThe 60 days before your symptoms or diagnosisUrine, throat and rectal tests, and treatment
Primary syphilis (a sore)3 months, plus how long you've had the soreA blood test, and usually treatment
Secondary syphilis (rash, other symptoms)6 months, plus how long you've had symptomsA blood test, and usually treatment
Early syphilis with no symptomsThe last 12 monthsA blood test, and usually treatment
No one in that windowYour most recent partnerThe same tests
Based on the CDC’s STI treatment guidelines for chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. For HIV, ask your clinic or health department.

Can’t remember everyone? That’s normal. Tell the people you can reach, and ask the clinic about partner services for the rest. They’re used to working from a first name and an app profile.

Text, call or in person?

For a hookup, a text is normal and often kinder. They can read it privately and book a test without performing a reaction. For a boyfriend or a regular, a call or a face-to-face chat usually goes better, with a text first so it doesn’t come out of nowhere.

Whatever you choose, send it soon. The sooner they’re treated, the less it spreads, and the less chance it comes back to you.

If they reply badly

Some people get defensive or angry. You don’t have to argue. A short, calm reply is enough, and then you can leave it.

If they get defensive

I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m telling everyone I’ve been with recently because the clinic asked me to. What you do with it is up to you, but testing is quick and free in a lot of places.

If someone threatens you or tries to out you, stop replying, save the messages, and use an anonymous option next time.

After you’ve told them

  • Hold off on sex until 7 days after you finish treatment, and until your partners have been treated too. Otherwise you can catch it straight back.
  • Ask about expedited partner therapy. In many states the clinic can give you medicine or a prescription to pass to a partner. See what expedited partner therapy is.
  • Retest in 3 months. The CDC suggests everyone treated for chlamydia or gonorrhea test again about 3 months later, because reinfection is common.

Frequently asked questions

Do I have to tell my partners if I have chlamydia?
In most places there’s no law that makes you, but the CDC asks people to tell everyone from the last 60 days, and it’s the only way to stop it coming back to you. If you’d rather not do it yourself, a clinic or health department can tell them without using your name.

Can I tell someone I have an STI by text?
Yes. For hookups, a text is common and often easier for both of you. Name the infection, say they should get tested even without symptoms, and say it’s treatable.

How do I tell a hookup I only know from an app?
Message them on the app if you still can. If you can’t, a clinic’s partner services team may be able to reach them from the app profile.

What if I don’t know who gave it to me?
You don’t need to. Tell everyone in the window for your infection. Most people never find out where an STI came from, and it doesn’t change the treatment.

Can I tell partners anonymously?
Yes. Free services can send an anonymous text or email for you, and your health department can notify partners without naming you. See how to tell a partner anonymously.

Sources: CDC STI Treatment Guidelines, CDC: Expedited partner therapy, CDC: Getting tested for STIs.

This guide is general information, not medical advice. Talk to a doctor or clinic about your own situation. Health disclaimer

Not sure when to test? The STI test window calculator works out when each test can pick up an infection after sex.